I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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