not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
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