it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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