oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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