That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Randomize
