M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
