He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Randomize
