Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I have tasted many bathrooms
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
