YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
