How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
