just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
