I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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