you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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