I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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