after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
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