Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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