Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
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