apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
