Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
