This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
