My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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