do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
