I faked an abortion last night.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
