Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
We smell like vodka and hangover
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