I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
