Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
