he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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