Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
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