I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
