I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
