I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
