don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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