I just saw a hot homeless man
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
