So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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