tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
