I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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