Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
You smell like a Billy Joel song
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
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We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
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I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
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