I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
