I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
