$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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