I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Randomize
