No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
