I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Terrible idea I love it
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
