I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I need to align my fucking chakras
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
