Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Randomize
