i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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