apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Randomize
