The brown eye won't let me do that either.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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