Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
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