He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize
