Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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