just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Randomize
