God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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