OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
