i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Randomize
