I wish I could punch you in the face.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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