My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
