tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
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I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
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there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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