i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
